The 80s Christmas gifts that never appeared
Josh
Wednesday
11:36 am
For me, the 80s were spent in a most Spielbergian fashion: middle class split-level home in a rolling suburb. Weekends were spent at the mall and summer nights were spent playing flashlight tag throughout the neighborhood.
In the fall, the giant JC Penney and Sears catalogues would arrive, and I’d instantly flump them over to the back pages where the toys awaited my approval. I’d pore over those dozen pages so carefully that the spine was permanently bent to visions of Transformers and Lego sets.
And, while I was usually able to make a pretty respectable haul for a pre-teen, some of the coolest gifts consistently evaded my grasp. Those toys haunt me today, and my heart still goes pitter-patter when I run across them online.
Here are my most desired gifts I didn’t get, arranged by year, for your approval. What big game alluded your hunting skills? Be sure to comment below….
1980: Big Trak
Why I had to have it: Big Trak was a programmable tank that worked like a semiautonomous remote-controlled car. Kids could enter up to 15 commands (go forward, pause, turn X degrees, etc.), and Big Trak would trundle off on its goal to scare the crap out of the family cat.
Why I can only assume Santa couldn’t seal the deal: The big man thought I was maybe a touch too young for a complex microproccesor toy like Big Trak, despite my protestations to my parents that my older cousin had one, and I totally wouldn’t break it.
1981: US1 Highway Trucking Race Track
Why I had to have it: The US1 Highway Trucking Race Track compares to other slot car sets like Power Wheels compared to pedal cars. US1 was a true H-O scale slot track that allowed for semis, construction sites, loading and unloading.
Hell, just watch the video — it makes my timbers shiver even today.
What I can only assume Santa couldn’t seal the deal: I had a lot of slot car track, and if you’ve ever owned slot car track, you can definitely taste the disappointment. Cars would get jammed on the track, their little motor buzzing… you’d goose the engine, and watch as the car sailed off the track into cracked oblivion.
1982: Colecovision
You think I'm kidding? Click on this side by side comparison!
Why I had to have it: Sometime around 1981, my parents got an Intellivision, forever spawning my track record of picking the wrong gaming console for every generation since. Don’t get me wrong — I had a great time with Space Armada, Nova Blast and the rest of the crew, but it lacked the infinite game library of the Atari 2600, and forever seemed as crude as a baby’s toy after the Colecovision came out. The graphics on the Colecovision seemed positively photorealistic at the time, and home versions of arcade games were vibrant.
Why I can only assume Santa couldn’t seal the deal: “Ho, ho, ho. You only get one console every generation, kid, and you chose poorly. Greed’s a bitch. Also, Merry Christmas.”
1983: Domino Rally
Why I had to have it: For some reason, the early 80s featured an elaborate domino craze. Domino Rally was one of a few big-league domino sets that allowed kids to build their own gigantic domino runs without the need for those pesky, full-sized dominos. The possibilities of spending hours carefully arraying them on the kitchen floor were endless.
Why I can only assume Santa couldn’t seal the deal: Santa likely received a last minute urgent plea from my father, who didn’t want to spend his entire Christmas day “setting up &$*#ing dominos that accidentally get knocked down every 5 minutes.”
1984: Power Wheels
Why I had to have it: What child can resist the allure of his or her own transportation? This, my friends, was my generation’s Red Ryder airgun. To get one of these under the tree meant you’d officially arrived. No hill would be too steep for my wiry physique to climb with the aid of battery-powered magic. Once I had my own powered vehicle, I mused, I could go anywhere.
Why I can only assume Santa couldn’t seal the deal: Once he had his own powered vehicle, they mused, he could go anywhere.
1985: Omnibot 2000
Why I had to have it: I circled this pricey little proto-bot in the Sears catalog, and even used two colors of ink — pink and blue. Ever since I tried to build my own robot years before (it was a disastrous failure), I’d dreamed of a helper robot. And Omnibot 2000 was to be my robot sidekick — it could even pour your drink! This little fella could motor about the house, track you with its eyes, respond to verbal commands … and did I mention the drink pouring?
Why I can only assume Santa couldn’t seal the deal: Even Santa’s credit card has limits… and the $599 price tag (in 80s dollars) probably was a bit much for the old man’s Diner’s Club card.
1986: Lazer Tag
Why I had to have it: Ever since the first childhood cries of “I shot you — you’re dead!” during a game of cops and robbers, kids have wanted an arbiter of fairness when playing toy guns. Lazer Tag was finally the way to see who the crack shot on the block was. And even if kids managed to cover the sensor on their silver vest, there was always the helmet to aim for.
Why I can only assume Santa couldn’t seal the deal: I honestly don’t know. The gun sets weren’t ridiculously overpriced — I can only assume that was the year I repeatedly picked my nose, wiped it on my mom’s good towels, and blamed my younger sister.
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Reader Comments
The reason I always got from my parents for not getting the original Lazer Tag was that the guns looked too close to a real gun.
I had Lazer Tag. It was AWESOME.
Except that I only had one gun. And only knew one other kid who had it. So I usually made my brother wear the sensor and I tried to shoot him while he ran away.
The one I always wanted but never got – Voltron.
My picks:
1. Whiz Wheel
2. The Green Machine
3. Barnyard Commandos
4. Food Fighters
5. Play-Doh (never owned any in my life.)
I had a friend who had a Lazer Tag set. We weren’t really impressed with it so went right back to shooting each other with our BB guns.
My list consisted of:
1. Voltron (The big die cast Lion one not the super lame vehicle one)
2. The Millennium Falcon
3. The super awesome robotech toys one of my friends had that neither I nor my parents could ever find.
I always wanted one of the really BIG space Lego sets!
I think the Lion set of Voltron was the only item I really wanted but never got.
Oh wait, the USS Flag from GIJoe I really wanted. But to my parents credit, where the heck would I have put that thing.
That’s easy. Hasbro’s AT-AT vehicle for their Star Wars line. I still remember bugging my mom incessantly over it, but with a $44 price tag, it was never meant to be. Sigh.
My parents were pretty awesome with wish-fulfillment, but the one toy I never got (aside from the USS Flagg G.I. Joe aircraft carrier that everyone coveted, and Soundwave) was Cyborg from the Super Powers collection.
Not that they didn’t try. One of my fondest memories was essentially Christmas in July. While on a trip to Sacramento, my parents popped into Kmart and returned with a gigantic bag–the kind that could double as a hurricane shelter.
During the drive up, my mom handed us figure after figure from the third series of Super Powers. Every time we were done checking one out, we got another.
Except for Cyborg. Given that we got all the other ones, I can hardly complain, but Cyborg was the only figure in the whole collection I never got.
Oh, and I was a little bitter over getting Loc Blocs instead of Lego, but I’m over that now.
Mostly.
My brother and I had Lazer Tag, but never really enjoyed playing it. It ended up in the lonely toy bin.
My dad grew up poor, thus I was spoiled as a child. So let’s make it clear that I am not complaining…
I did wish that I had owned the Barbie Dream Pool set.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVNRzQNiYDI
This post has inspired me to instead write a blog post on all the awesome toys I did have… and wish I still had in my possession.
So many great comments!
Jessica: You shall be judged in the afterlife for not playing with your Lazer Tag set. I’m just saying….
Jeff: I hear you on the Loc-Blocks. The worst part was when you tried to combine them with Lego sets. Loc-Blocks had a 2:1 ratio versus the 3:1 Lego ratio, and the pieces would get jammed together.
And to all you people wanting the Lion Voltron sets — you’re part of the reason Vehicle Voltron never caught on! Bah!
And, regarding Lazer Tag — when I was in college, a friend brought an entire duffel bag of that stuff from his parents’ garage. We shoehorned ourselves into those tiny vests and ran around the woods for weeks…. until the police put a stop to it.
Josh: What totally killed me about the whole Loc Blocs/Lego situation was that my uncle had tons of Lego, and instead of looking for the right-size piece (say, a 4×2 flat plate), he’d take a bigger one, put one end in his mouth, and bend the piece back and forth until it broke where he wanted.
Blasphemy!
EEEEEEEEEEEE! THE HORROR!
The moms and pops were always good to us. My biggest disappointments came in that they would not get me both game systems on the market at the time.
Well to be honest, I never got Devistator either. They would always get me like one piece, not the whole. What good is playing with a green construction dump truck foot?
Later in the 80s, Radio Shack came out with a similar robot that I had. “Talking Robie” (one of several Robies– in fact somewhere in a box in my parents’ basement is “Robie the Banker”). It was entertaining for a little while. My grandma was amused when I put a doughnut on his tray, drove him over to her and spoke into the remote “here, have a doughnut”.
Ultimately, it stopped working after a few weeks, but by that time, I think everyone kind of realized that having the robot carry crap across the room required more effort– and it was kind of lame speaking into a radio so that he would talk when the person across the room could hear you just fine.
Ah, here we go: http://www.theoldrobots.com/talkrobie.html
Ugh, I forgot about the one-button drive. Push once he goes forward. Push it again he goes backward and right. No wonder this thing got old fast.
I had Omnibot.
Man, I loved that thing. I took it to Show and Tell.
I don’t think I ever wanted anything Santa didn’t bring me. I was a pretty lucky kid. I did, however, have one fairly horrifying Christmas, in which I received everything Barbie under the sun and then some. I got the Dream House, the McDonald’s, the Salon, the Trailer with Horses, the Corvette, etc., and about 30 Barbies from around the world.
The hitch? My Barbies phase had ended earlier that year.
I never got one of those cars for kids–I don’t think I ever asked for one, oddly enough, because I certainly thought they were cool and still do–but I did try to build one of my own for years with giant tinker toys.
It was a plan doomed to failure from the start.
You can, BTW, purchase Omnibot 2000’s descendant:
http://www.amazon.com/Tomy-7365-I-SOBOT-Robot/dp/B000US3SVA
Not the same! … it can’t pour a fella a scotch like Omnibot 2000 and serve it to me on a dainty tray.
Along with Omnibot 2000 I had Verbot. My dad was really into robots when I was a kid—and still is. I think I’ll dig something up to give him for Christmas this time around.
I had Verbot. All I remember was being kind of disappointed that he wasn’t Omnibot 2000….
I can remember wanting those really dangerous “click-clacks”. The gurls on my block were experts w/ them and they were so pretty and colorful. They were also dangerous and noisy. Prob why they never showed up under the tree.
http://www.blujay.com/1/246/2412583_s1_i1.jpg
Metroplex. And this is now the reason why I can never say no to my son when he asks for a new Transformer.
Mini arcade games. http://catfishman.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/galaxian-right-side.jpg
Robitix
Sigh, some wounds never heal.
Those are good ones; I always lusted after Metroplex. I did have a Robotix set, though. For what it’s worth, the latter was just OK.