Steal this pitch: Movies based on games that were based on movies

With the news that the industry-kickstarting game “Space Invaders” has been optioned for movie rights, we’ve decided that Hollywood has, really, REALLY, OFFICIALLY run out of ideas for movies. For reals this time, y’all.

They’ve already given every franchise possible a gritty reboot, and they’ve milked every video game franchise to boot.

So what’s left?

What about making movies out of games that were based on movies? Take all the joy of a reboot and add in pre-packaged brand appeal, and voila! Instant blockbuster.

The only problem is that some of those game-movie tie-ins were pretty tenuous and cryptic. But don’t worry, Hollywood — we’ve done all the work for you! We’ve replayed some of the 80s’ hottest titles, and jotted down what we thought the plot was based on the gameplay. We think you’ll be pretty happy with what we’ve gleaned.

Howard the Duck

The pitch: “It’s like Buffy the Vampire Slayer meets Milo & Otis!”

Plot synopsis: This green-suited duck won’t swim, but he’ll shuffle his way into your heart! When a mad scientist comes calling, it’s up to Howard to storm his island, pathetically swatting at the scientist’s army of encephalitic vampires, despite the bazooka he’s packing. When he eventually reaches the lair, will he be able to bazooka down the scientist and escape from the volcano without ruffling his tail feathers?

Spoiler alert: The movie is only 10 minutes long. 11 if we include the credits at the end.

E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial

The pitch: “It’s like Cable Guy meets Citizen Kane!”

Plot synopsis: It’s just not E.T.’s day. After his only friend busted his telephone up into half a dozen components, E.T. has to pick up the pieces… literally! The phone parts are scattered all over the valley, and he’ll have to climb every hill and drop down every well in town to find them all. If that weren’t enough, he’s being pursued by a mysterious man in black whose lithe figure belies secrecy and evil.

Spoiler alert: E.T. manages to find the parts for his phone, but only after falling down numerous pits and getting stuck in them for hours. Plea for a PG-13 rating with the MPAA, due to only limited psychological trauma on children.

Raiders of the Lost Ark

The pitch: “It’s like Memento meets National Treasure!”

Plot synopsis: Cairo. 1936. It was the last great country in the last great time of men. One man, Indiana Jones, must reclaim the … glowing pants of power, we think, from … somebody. Or something. Probably snakes. We see plenty of them. After robbing a middle eastern bazaar blind, Jones travels from mesa to mesa, looking for the clues that will let him into a hallway with.. with a rug and… oh, fuck it. Let’s just call Michael Bay, have him CGI some big explosions in, yeah?

Spoiler alert: For crossover appeal, Indiana Jones is relentlessly pursued by E.T. from that movie-game adaptation above.

Friday the 13th

The pitch: “It’s like Naked Lunch meets Robocop!”

Plot Synopsis: The Summer Camp is in danger! Six camp counselors must navigate a dystopian summer camp, trying to save the hapless campers from the evil Jason. Armed with only their wits and a rock, each one must attempt to kill Jason before he kills them.

Spoiler alert: None of them do. The movie ends with Jason triumphantly slaughtering the counselers every time. No matter how many times you watch it.

Back to the Future

The pitch: “It’s like Monk meets Pleasantville!”

Plot synopsis: This is Marty. Marty has an unhealthy obsession with clocks. He roams the streets of Hill Valley, a quintessential look at 1950s America, trying to steal as many timepieces as he can from the hapless citizens. His fixation is so intense that he doesn’t even notice the romantic advances of local resident Lorraine Baines.

Spoiler alert: In a genre-bending climax, Marty kicks his obsession through repeated electro-shock therapy visits while fleeing Lorraine in his car.